SCROLLING through old pics this morning, I realised that six years ago I was walking with a stick.
Not only that, but I was in almost constant pain and popping painkillers by the clock.
Things weren’t looking rosy back then. The specialists discovered the problem was due to the internal structure of my knee and predicted that the other one would soon suffer the same fate. We’d try some intense physio first but, the likelihood was that I’d need a knee replacement. Or two.
On paper back then, everything looked perfect. I had the big job, big car, private healthcare, pension, lovely holidays and a wonderful partner. Was I happy? Absolutely not. My smile was surface, my soul was in despair. I’d managed to carve out for myself what looked like the perfect life, but it didn’t fit; it wasn’t really mine. I was living a vision painted by someone else – I was living the life I *thought* I should be living; the one I’d learned to strive for to tick all those suburban, western ideals. I’d spent years climbing the ladder, only to realise it was up against the wrong wall.
Putting on the mask
Eventually, after too much stress, the loss of my dear dad, a breakdown and a daily cycle of ‘put on mask – go to work – come home – cry – go to bed – broken sleep – get up – put on mask – go to work’ the big decisions I needed to make began to be the only sensible decisions I *could* make, for the sake of my soul, my sanity and my health.
I leapt from the safety of the corporate shackles. No savings, no safety net, just a helluvalot of trust and a deep knowing that I needed to make that move.
Guess what? No more mask. No more nightly tears. And, something that came as a huge – and welcome – surprise… no more stick!
Listen to your body
The body has the most miraculous ability to tell us when something’s wrong. Trouble is, we rarely listen to it. We push on through, pop some pills, slap on a Band Aid and get the job done. Because that’s what we’re supposed to do. We don’t stop to look into what’s at the root of the problem. We don’t check in to see if we’re on a path that’s right for us. We think with our brains instead of our hearts and we follow the road we’ve modelled through years of observing others and listening to people tell us what we *should* do, instead of working to find our soul’s path.
Was it easy? No. It was terrifying. Was it worth it? Absolutely! I’m now moving more and more into the ‘work’ I’m meant to be doing. The big holidays paused for a while, the car’s not as high-end, the wages aren’t as certain and the private healthcare is gone. But you know what? ‘Work’ doesn’t feel like work. Most days feel like a holiday because I’m enjoying my life far more than I used to. The Hyundai works just as well as the Audi, and it’s bit more eco friendly. Money’s sometimes really tight and it’s still very easy to go into financial fear, but we’ve always had enough to get by; it’s ebb and flow in place of predictability. And the private healthcare? I’m happier, so I’m healthier and we haven’t missed it.
An old medicine woman once said to me: “You know Taz, the reason people refuse to take a leap of faith is that they forget The Creator will catch them.”
I reckon she might have been right!