I AGONISED over writing this piece. I’ve ummed and ahhed, swung to and fro like a pendulum, weighing up the pros and cons of speaking out. Honestly, I’ve given myself emotional whiplash!
In just the same way, oh so many years ago, I hid my truth for far too long and learned the hard way.
Back then, I shielded my loved ones — including friends, and some family members — from my story, because I had no idea how to file it, how to explain what I’d been through, how to even step into that place of being true to myself — of being absolutely, unapologetically ME.
Over time, that grew into hiding my past from my audience, my tribe, my clients, in the misguided belief that speaking my truth might kill my career and poison my potential.
When I finally did start to allow the words to tumble out, it was in a Facebook video. For the first time, I spoke about going through domestic abuse, depression, breakdown, suicidal thoughts and the failed attempt that led to a written-off car and a broken back.
I’d like to think a force greater than you and I was looking out for me that day — plunging me off a sharp cliff edge, safe in the knowledge that I’d land perfectly, nothing broken except some old, limiting beliefs, and with a whole new landscape opening up for me.
Viral mistake
Had I realised that video would go viral, that I’d neglected to choose the ‘friends only’ setting, I never would have hit the button.
Had those messages from strangers, telling me my words had saved their lives, not landed in my inbox before I’d realised my folly, I would probably have deleted the video and never spoken of it again.
Back then, in 2015, I would never have believed that erroneously sharing 10 minutes of vulnerability with the world could have had such a positive impact.
It created a whirlwind of media coverage — Huff Post, DIVA, Kindred Spirit, BBC, regional and local press — as well as a snowballing number of messages, from people I’d never met, telling me they’d decided to say ‘yes’ to life off the back of my words.
Not only that, but I can trace every bit of ‘success’ I’ve experienced since — book deals, TV gigs, radio shows and guest spots in the UK and US, speaking on stages across the world, working with local authorities and charities to support people who’ve been through domestic abuse, a growing tribe and a sustaining career I love — back to that crazy, off-the-cuff video.
So now, I’m choosing to grasp the nettle and speak up about what’s been going on for me through lockdown.
Because I know I won’t be alone in this.
So now, I’m choosing to grasp the nettle and speak up about what’s been going on for me through lockdown.
Because I know I won’t be alone in this.
Because I know there will be hundreds, maybe thousands of people whose work revolves around supporting others, finding that magical something to get them through each day, and then crumpling in a heap as evening approaches.
And it doesn’t mean we’re frauds.
It doesn’t mean we’re not sorting out our own shit.
It doesn’t mean we’re not walking our talk.
In fact, it’s quite the opposite!
But I know there may be backlash to this as well.
It’s why I’ve been delaying.
It’s why I haven’t *really* spoken up before.
Yeah, sure, I’ve shared social media posts about the occasional down day, but I haven’t really gone into any depth.
To use my own analogy, I haven’t so much been making myself metaphorically naked as taking one sock off and hoping for the best.
Fear
Even now, with all the tools in my kitbag, all those mindset techniques, all those practices around energy and spirituality, I’m afraid of speaking my truth on this.
That’s why it’s so far taken me 643 words to get to the point — and that’s without counting the headline and standfirst!
The truth is that I’ve been really struggling. I’ve even been marking a little set of symbols on our wall calendar, desperately searching for patterns.
I’m not sure if it’s phases of the moon, hormones (I turn 47 this year, after all, so the dreaded perimenopausal phase is well and truly in swing), burnout or just good old lockdown fatigue, but something is definitely off, and it has been for some time.
I’ve tried exercising, getting fresh air, drinking more water, vitamin supplements, meditation, mindfulness, journaling, playing with our dogs, reading, talking, gratitude practices, you name it, I’m on it.
I’ve tried exercising, getting fresh air, drinking more water, vitamin supplements, meditation, mindfulness, journaling, playing with our dogs, reading, talking, gratitude practices, you name it, I’m on it.
For those of you in my tribe who love a bit of #HippyShit, yes, I’m grounding and shielding and, yes, I’m doing my archetype work and connecting with my guides. That’s all good.
But even now, even with all that, I feel as though I’m wading through a quagmire at the end of each day, and the steps are feeling more and more sluggish.
Womansplaining
Earlier today, I was attempting to explain to my wife how I was still absolutely happy working with my clients and still able to bring my A-game for them. Here’s what I said:
“Imagine you’re marooned on a desert island. You have one workable radio, but you know the battery light is blinking and there’s not much charge left. At a certain time, on a certain day, you know there’s a helicopter due to fly overhead and if you can just get to the top of that hill and turn the radio receiver all the way up, you have a chance of making contact.
“Every time, you run up that hill, turn on the radio and fire it all the way up. You know, in that moment, you’re using battery power, but it’s so, so worth it and, in that moment, you’re not worrying, anxious, stressed or tired — you’re just hopeful and locked onto your target of making a difference.
“Each day, when the allotted time has passed, you know you need to turn off the kit, come back down the hill, and just allow that radio to idle so its battery can get a little bit of charge for the next day.”
That’s the closest analogy I can come up with. I’m a radio. I receive frequencies, maybe tune them into a more positive channel, and bounce them back out into the world.
All the time I’m doing that, I feel A-okay. The moment I stop, I realise my energy is flagging and collapse in a heap.
It might help, but…
Sometimes, I know a bit of movement and state-changing will give my batteries a boost.
Sometimes I know I need to just rest.
Sometimes I know I need to shift my body to shift my mindset but, frankly, I don’t want to.
That’s when my mind and body war with each other a little or, for those of you on my spiritual empowerment programmes, my Mother and Maiden archetypes boot out my Chief and, sometimes, I’d rather sink down than gee myself up to do something a bigger part of me is bucking against.
There’s a choice in this, dear readers, believe me — I’m not helpless, by any means, but I AM finding it more and more difficult to navigate the increasingly choppy waters of my mind and energy the longer we spend in lockdown.
There’s a choice in this, dear readers, believe me — I’m not helpless, by any means, but I AM finding it more and more difficult to navigate the increasingly choppy waters of my mind and energy the longer we spend in lockdown.
And that’s why I’m writing this.
I know I won’t be the only one.
I know I won’t be the only coach, healer or therapist feeling totally at odds with being able to bring what’s needed for clients (and still do it exceptionally well, thank you very much) and struggling to bring that same level of energy, drive and nurturing (because yes, the two *can* go together) into my own life.
Rest. Rest. Rest.
When I tune in and ask what’s needed, the answer that keeps coming is REST. In capital letters. Neon. Underlined. Flashing.
I think that’s part of the issue for me as well.
Rest, for me, isn’t just about stopping.
It’s about being able to access and take in enough soul food.
I miss being able to physically share space with my loved ones, my family, my tribe.
I miss the sea. Oh, gods, how much I miss the sea. I crave being able to stand at the edge of the ocean, feel its awesome power, soak some of that up and allow Poseidon to wash away all which holds me back at the same time.
I miss woodlands. I miss that smell of leaves, dew, the rustlings of small forest friends in the undergrowth, the sound of a woodpecker on high, the cheeky antics of squirrels as we walk among the trees. I miss the density of tall pines, mighty oaks, the occasional low, thick, branch to lean against or sit upon, the ancient wisdom surrounding us as we move deeper into the forests, Grandfather Sun speckling us through the leaves. I miss almost, but not quite, getting lost, and wondering which path will lead us back to the car before dusk falls.
They’re really simple needs but, for me, so desperately important.
Right now, I cannot legally venture out to a decent woodland OR to the sea, because they’re beyond my designated local area.
Right now, I cannot legally venture out to a decent woodland OR to the sea, because they’re beyond my designated local area. What good reason do I have to travel for 45 minutes, maybe an hour or so, for my allotted ‘exercise’ when I could walk around the block close to home.
And herein lies another peril of lockdown.
I don’t want to go for a walk around the block.
I love my neighbours. I love my village. I love our landscape. But right now, I’m craving solitude.
Because of the times we’re in, I’m far more likely to bump into someone during a daily walk. Smalltalk has never been my thing, though I’m usually happy to engage when the situation calls for it.
Right now, though, almost a year into yo-yo lockdowns, I don’t want to chat to someone I barely know across the street, wondering whether I should have my mask on, or off, dreading the smalltalk moving onto vaccinations (which seems to have become the lockdown alternative to discussing the weather), when no, actually, I haven’t, I’m not sure I want to just yet and I don’t see it as the second coming.
And it’s not just that.
There’s a certain sense of guilt that descends in chattering away with someone on an opposite pavement when I cannot do the same with my mum.
I haven’t seen my mother for almost a year either. It’s nonsensical, but there’s a certain sense of guilt that descends in chattering away with someone on an opposite pavement when I cannot do the same with my mum (not counting a Facebook Messenger video, only the top half of her face visible because she hasn’t quite got to grips with angling her screen and camera).
And so, I forego the daily walks and exercise at home instead… when I can find the drive to do so.
My point, and I do have one…
It’s at this point that I feel the need to remind myself why I’m writing this. We’re at 1,861 words now — I probably need to remind you as well!
I’m writing not just to get it all out of my system (though I’m sure it will help), but because I’m sure I am not the only otherwise-sane human being feeling this way.
I won’t be the only ‘service-led professional’ feeling at odds with smiling for clients and alternating between snoozing, crying, or slipping into a not-quite-catatonic state outside of working hours.
And no, it’s not an act — we’re not ‘putting on a brave face’ — it genuinely feels all okay while we’re serving the people we serve. I won’t be alone in being massively grateful for that, I’m sure!
I won’t be the only one with all the tools, helping others to stay positive and optimistic, yet frequently feeling on the edge of burnout privately.
I won’t be the only one with all the tools, helping others to stay positive and optimistic, yet frequently feeling on the edge of burnout privately.
I won’t be the only one feeling ridiculously sensitive beyond working hours (whatever they are!), recognising my tolerance levels taking a nose dive and wishing I could be one of those cartoon characters who can scream into a jar then run up to the top of a hill to release it. And even if I had a big enough jam jar, we live in South Lincolnshire — it’s flat!
I won’t be the only one craving a holiday.
I won’t be the only one feeling really pissed off at all the people on Twitter slagging off people for daring to say they’re missing a holiday. It’s not all about swanking around with designer suitcases and posing for Instagram, you silly, judgemental twits — it’s just that some of us really do crave physical distance and a change of scenery to switch off properly. I don’t judge you for propping yourselves up with red wine at the end of a long day of home schooling — we all need different outlets.
I won’t be the only one desperately missing sea, forests and an escape into nature, and some time outside my house that doesn’t involve the prospect of awkward conversations with people we barely know who, in ‘normal’ times, would be happy smiling with around a barbecue!
I won’t be the only one struggling.
In spite of all the tools.
In spite of all the practices.
In spite of the mindfulness, mindset, NLP, meditation, water, good food, exercise and all the bloody slam balls we can manage.
I won’t be the only one worried that by writing this — or even reading along — people might think I’m not walking my talk.
I *AM* walking my talk. That’s why I’m writing this. And if you’re nodding, you’re walking yours too.
Keep the faith.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Keep going, regardless of the moon, hormones or Zoom fatigue.
This, too, shall pass.
It always does.
Until next time,
#UnleashYourAwesome,
Taz
x
PS: 2,299 words. Finally. You’d think I’d be able to finish those books my publishers are waiting for, right? I’ll get there. So will you. Thanks for sticking with me.
Taz Thornton is the author of Awesome Sauce — a free, weekly positive life and business round-up, with good news stories, positivity tips and visibility hacks for your brand. In a few minutes each week, you get a dose of optimism and some awesome advice to get seen and stay happy.
Taz is a best-selling author, inspirational business speaker and multiple TEDx speaker, consultant on confidence, personal brand and visibility, and an award-winning coach (UK’s Best Female Coach 2018 — Best Business Woman Awards, Female Professional Of The Year, Central England, 2020). She is also the creator of the #UnleashYourAwesome and #BrandMastery personal and business development programmes, as well as #UNLEASHED — an affordable confidence, content and cashflow building programme for coaches, healers and therapists, and #LIFEFORCE — an affordable online spiritual empowerment and coaching programme for people wanting to bring more optimism into their lives.
Taz has been featured on BBC, ITV, in HuffPost, Diva, The Daily Mail and countless other newspapers, magazines and podcasts. Taz is also a regular columnist for the America Out Loud talkshow network. In 2019, she was named as one of the most inspirational businesswomen in the UK and, in 2020, she was named as one of the world’s top 50 women in marketing to follow.
Find her on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, Insta, Ko-Fi, Clubhouse and TazThornton.com.
